In which we delve deep within the psyche of the notorious (Fake) Karl Lagerfeld

Followed by everyone from magazine editors, to fellow bloggers, to the real Karl Lagerfeld himself (yes, the real Karl), Fake Karl Lagerfeld has managed to remain an enigma within an enigma, a mysterious individual who leaves everyone pondering as to the real identity behind his works of biting and hilarious satire. Though he has recently receded somewhat into hitherto unexplored regions of his atelier, making his posting rather infrequent, Fake Karl remains alive and well and has donned his guise once more in order to answer some probing questions for me.

J.A.: Let's start with childhood. What is your earliest memory?

F.K.: I recall coming out of my Mother's womb. I was so repulsed by the whole experience that I never wanted to go back into one of those again, as Mr. Fry says. I dislike the process of birthing. It's just very vulgar, no? I don't find it aesthetically pleasing at all. One wonders why women continue doing it. Children are generally unpleasant too, so nobody really gets anything good out of the whole thing. I myself was never a child.

J.A.: But aren't there any children you like??

F.K.: Tavi. But she is not really a child, hm? Real children have giant lollipops and dress in a French school uniform and sing cheery songs on their way to school, and sometimes they have zany adventures with the nuns who run their school. Often their name is "Madeline".

J.A.: Do you ever remember your dreams, and if so, what is the last dream you remember having?

F.K.: I do not sleep. But in my last non-dream, I was shopping with Tavi and I dressed as Sun Ra. I wore a large gold hat.

J.A.: What is the ideal body type for a man? for a woman?

F.K.: Bodies are so 20th century, hm? If I didn't have to sketch I'd become a gaseous mass and float around like one of those clouds in cartoons that rain down upon just one person. Apart from I would just look ominous, without doing anything. Kawakubo already is the expert at that. Sometimes I would turn into human form again, and become "Karl Lagerfeld" once more. Then step into a closet and vanish, turning into gas. The ultimate ghost, hm?

J.A.: What songs are currently playing on whichever of your thousands of ipods you are listening to right now?

F.K.: Cat Power- "I Found A Reason"

J.A.: Seeing as it's a known fact that you are immortal, how will you keep from becoming incredibly demode as the years pass by?

F.K.: Who on Earth do you think you are? That's implying that I could potentially become demode, and that's just impossible.

J.A.: Would you rather have to abandon someone or have them abandon you?

F.K.: "Abandon" implies attachment. I am not attached to anything.

J.A.: Not even your work? Not even Chanel?

F.K.: Do you see chains where I sit? Of course not, because I don't wear Chanel.

J.A.: If you could have any gift in the world, what would it be?

F.K.: Oh, this tie that I'm wearing.

J.A.: If you could have any special skill, what would it be?

Rei: MAYBE THAT IS SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE YOUNG LIKE TO TO WORK OUT.

J.A.: Oh, hi there Rei. So, Karl, if you somehow had offspring, what would you name them and why?

F.K.: I find the notion of offspring to be distasteful.

J.A.: What is your biggest fear?

F.K.: To stop working.

J.A.: One last question - you've recently written a piece for ELLE collections on your 10 commandments of Chanel, can you give us an inkling on that?

F.K.: They're actually the 10 commandments of style, rather than of Chanel. Chanel had no style in between Coco Chanel and myself, so they're not synonymous. And would God give out only one commandment and leave the rest? I think not. They are 10 commandments for a reason, and they'll be published on the intertubes in due time. I advise your readers, excepting of course the undesirable – well, they'll never have style, hm? – to read them and take note.

More Fake Karl linkage:

• Word Up! Fake Karl Lagerfeld Discusses his Haute Couture Collection (PAPERmag)
• Word Up! Fake Karl Returns (PAPERmag)
• Word Up! Fake Karl Returns to Discuss His Fall 2009 Haute Couture Collection (PAPERmag)
• POP Fall/Winter 09.10 Tavi Gevinson with Artwork by Damien Hirst (TFS)
• The notoriously ubiquitous DEMODE shirt appears on the POP blog
• OMG - ELLE Collections Sneak Preview! (ELLE magazine)
• Featured on BunnyBISOUS (BunnyBISOUS)
• Featured on Fashionologie (Fashionologie)
• Fake Karl's très amusant Twitter (4,428 followers and counting...)